Who Are You: Not Just the Theme Song to CSI

Congratulations, you have a name! In theory it's a reflection of how you'd like to be perceived online. Now you have to think about how much you're willing to tell people about yourself. In general it's a good idea to follow the advice we give our kids. Don't tell your last name, where you go to school (or work), your address, phone number or any of the important info like SSN or driver's license number. Most of the people you meet aren't stalkers. Notice I say MOST. There are some disturbed people in cyberland just like in real life and many of them don't broadcast the fact that they are potential stalkers or criminally inclined to divert your mail and sign up for credit cards in your name. I was very surprised to chat with an intelligent gentleman who introduced himself by his first name and told me he's a lawyer. As conversation progressed I found out he teaches law and he mentioned the city he lives in. All fairly general information. Except that I mentioned a law school in the area and he corrected me, naming the school he taught at. With the magic of Google I was looking at a picture of him on the faculty page of that college within 20 seconds. Be aware that a lot of little innocuous seeming details can be put together and identify you. It's not rude to maintain a little mystery or even fib a bit in the name of safety.

Lets talk more about fibbing online -- in my opinion, the morality lies in the intent. Internet chat is creative writing. I don't consider creating a persona different from yourself to interact with others as cheating. Look at the names in the rooms. There are an awful lot of Dr. Somethings, Boss Somebodies, Rich So-and-sos and there's nothing wrong with that. People ask each other, are you really a doctor, an executive, wealthy? Maybe you are and maybe you aren't. But if you're not a doctor and say you are, be prepared to get outted sometimes. If someone in the medical field asks you questions you can't answer, that person isn't going to talk to you again and may even bad-mouth you in the room. Luckily there are plenty more rooms to chat in. Maybe next time you're asked you'll decide to confess that you haven't gone to med school but you'd like to play doctor, or maybe you'll still pretend you Mr. MD and hope your potential lover doesn't know enough to call you out. I've always wanted a closet full of obscenely expensive shoes. I don't consider it immoral to say I'm wearing Manolo Blahniks as I chat.

On the other hand, misrepresenting yourself in order to manipulate someone, for example, saying you're single and leading a lover to believe that you want to build a future together, is bad. Wrong. Reprehensible. In my book the one piece of personal info you don't fuck around with is available-vs-taken. Because it's all fun and games online right up until Jack falls head over heels for Jill. So by all means, talk about your surgery schedule, or your private yacht, or your closet full of Jimmy Choos but don't talk about the pleasures of bachelor life if you're married.

Here, gentle reader, is the part of this blog where I share a personal chat story with you. No, not a transcript this time, but a cautionary tale of of lies and intrigue... Oh fine, it's not exactly the Maltese Falcon. I cross-dress, online only since there could be no mistaking me for a man IRL. Ok, there was that time on Halloween -- I looked so good a gay man came onto me but that required fake facial hair and ace bandages to accomplish. Online however it's a snap. I thought it was all in good fun, innocent creative writing, my partners and I thoroughly enjoying ourselves and no harm done. I never committed the mortal sin of lying about my availability. In fact, I made a point of warning potential lovers that I was a one-night stand kind of guy, emotionally unavailable, devoted to my family, etc. All warnings that seemed to make me especially attractive to women who enjoy a challenge with a man that's stable enough to have a wife. There was, however, one particular woman who was different from my other partners. Who, in fact, made other playmates seem dull to the point that, without being in any way coerced I quit sleeping around. And I enjoyed being a man for her. A lot. A whole lot. I was allowing some of my natural traits that polite society labels as masculine (assertive women are bitches, assertive men are confident) to blossom. Plus, having a dick was fun!

The charade was easy to maintain because I didn't appreciably change the details of my life, and we "dated" for most of a year. But it became distasteful to lie to a person who I saw daily, who was important to me, who I cared about. Eventually I confessed. Bad move. The following advice is straight out of Dear Abby: if you do something that you know is going to hurt your partner, don't ease your own conscience by confessing to them. Just quit doing it. The right thing to do would've been make something up that gave me a good reason to leave the relationship without making her think that 1) she did something wrong or that 2) people are untrustworthy jerks who are all out for their own fun, the rest of the world be damned. I still maintain my mistake was not in the original cross-dressing but in the relationship building under false pretenses. For which I have no excuse. Because it did end up hurting an amazing woman and it was all my fault. She recently showed back up in chat and I made myself available for a little closure, taking my well-deserved lumps. To her credit she was very adult and still nearly irresistible. But please, gentle reader, learn from my mistake. If you're going to pretend to be someone you're not, don't be selfish enough to continue the charade if your partner starts to care about you.

So basically be smart about what you tell people about yourself, and be consistent. Choosing not to discuss certain details is completely reasonable. And if you do adopt a chat persona, don't be an asshole.

A Slut by Any Other Name...

Unlike the real world where your dazzling smile, confident demeanor or designer shoes may contribute to the first impression you make, in chat, it's your name. Can you call yourself by your own name? Sure. But wearing your own name is like wearing jeans and a solid colored tee at a bar -- yeah it's comfortable, but you won't stand out. It's a completely valid choice, but you're going to be fighting an uphill battle to get noticed and strike up conversations. What should you use instead? Think about the impression you'd like to make, the people you hope to meet, and the sex you want to have and you'll be well on your way to an outstanding chat moniker.

Alright, let's assume you're a bright fellow (after all, you're reading this), hoping to meet someone who has a thing for hairy guys. I'm making this up as I go along, alright? Anyway, hairy guys are generally referred to as bears so 'Teddy Bear', 'Bear Naked' (a play on the phrase bare naked, oh or how about 'Bear Naked, Ladies', the comma indicating you're addressing women as your target audience), and Beary Hairy are all things that would probably attract someone who likes furry dudes. Try one out see if you're meeting the people who interest you. Is the name too obvious? Are the people who respond not quite up to the standard you were hoping for? Lets step it up a bit. Ursa Major is a constellation (Latin translation, big bear). You could use that as your name (or part of it -- 'Ursa Majorly Intelligent') and make witty puns about your heavenly body. Someone who asks about your name is starting a conversation, giving you a chance to make an impression. Create a name people can ask about, especially if you can work your interests into the explanation, and you're on your way to virtual bliss.

Lets try another. You want to get down and dirty, have hot and nasty animal sex with the first person who'll feed your fantasy. What fantasy? I already said animal sex, weren't you paying attention? Brainstorm some animal words and phrases, they don't have to be all about sex: doggy style, dog and pony show, fuck like bunnies, one trick pony, dog days, donkey show. Any of these strike your fancy or convey your desires? You don't really want to be obtuse, you want to make your desires obvious so how about 'Donkey Show Whore?' 'K9 Kisser?' 'Puppy Play' -- well this one is likely to attract people whose fetish is playing at being a puppy rather than bestiality, but you get the idea. And speaking of BDSM (the puppy thing is sort of an offshoot) choosing not to capitalize your name is usually indicative of a submissive attitude in chat. So unless that's your kink, you're better off using upper case letters.

You'll also see people indicate their sex in their names with apostrophes around an M or F. This is a reasonable thing to do if you you're calling yourself 'Hot for Teacher' or some other non-sex specific name. But it's just redundant if your name is 'Marlborough Man' or 'Witchy Woman.' If you're using a non-specific name, I say add the gender discriminator. Proudly declare you are a 'Poetic Lover (m)' or a 'Masochistic Masturbator (f).' I like the way this looks particularly if you have an M or F in your name: 'Hot (f)or Teacher' for example. And yes, even with your sex indicated in brackets or in your name itself, there will still be people who will ask. Some people use the personals abbreviations like mwm (married white man) dbf (divorced black female). This is only my personal opinion, but I think that unless the fact that you're married or divorced or only looking for a particular racial pairing is important to your fantasy, you should leave that info out of your name. Case in point, I had a friend who got off on the idea that his wife would find out about his "affairs" so for him, the fact he was married was worth saying in his name. It was actually crucial to the realization of his fantasy.

Having said all this, there is no rule that you have to use the same name all the time. Goodness knows I have a few. If my admirers become too demanding or my mood doesn't fit my name I just use a different one. The drawback of multiple names is that, if you're using them to have a little anonymity, you'll have it. In other words, the people you have connections with already won't recognize you. You'll either have to out yourself to them or start your seduction from scratch. Speaking from experience, if you use multiple names it becomes extremely difficult to remember who you spoke to under what name. If you're going to be crushed that you shared hours of intimate posts with someone who then doesn't seem to remember you, I suggest you keep notes. I'm just sayin'. It's more likely that you were talking to someone under a different name than that you've been forgotten.

Your name is the key to getting exactly the kind of attention you want. If you're hot for a celebrity, calling yourself 'Crazy for Megan Fox(m)' is going get you hooked up with a like-minded lover a lot faster than calling yourself 'Joe S.' Indicating your sex may save you a few questions and possibly some unwanted advances. Regardless of your decision, your name will be the first impression you make. You didn't get to choose the name you were born with but in chat you are literally able to make a name for yourself, so do it!